Pagan parenting. Images of family gatherings to celebrate the Turning of the Wheel: festooning the house with greens for Yule, lighting candles in every window for Imbolc, dancing the Maypole at Beltane, carving Jack-o-Lanterns at Samhain to light the way for our ancestors...these are the things that come to mind. But my experience as a pagan parent has not been filled with such images, and it's a reality that bears sharing.
I am a non-custodial mom to three great human beings. The eldest is on his own now and making all the same mistakes and wondrous leaps of growth that we all do when first on our own. The two younger are teens and they live in the northern end of the state with their father. Rarely do their visits coincide with holy days, and even when they do I have to weigh the possible repercussions of exposing them to my faith, to my "pagan" ways. Why? Their father follows a different faith than mine and is vehemently opposed to paganism.
In his mind, and unfortunately in a majority of court judges, children's welfare workers and child advocacy representative's minds, all pagans are Satanists. Wiccan, Asatru, Kitchen Witch, Gardnerian, Alexandrian - it doesn't matter. If you're not Christian, Jewish or following an Eastern path, you're a Satanist and as such, a threat to the well-being of the child, emotionally and physically. It's difficult to work within a legal system that is still influenced by such prejudice, but if you're a pagan parent, you'd better understand that it exists. It's not right and it's not fair, but it's a reality in far too many situations to deny.
You don't have to be involved in custody and visitation issues, as I am, to run afoul of the religious prejudices of our society. The over-reaction of a well-meaning but misguided neighbor, relative or school official can begin a nightmare of proving your worth as a parent. Interviews with child welfare officials, psychological evaluations, court hearings, even the loss of custody can result from religious ignorance and prejudice.
So what can a pagan parent do? First, don't live in fear and paranoia. While such things can happen, they aren't likely to happen solely as a result of a religious path. In my own case, during the custody battle six years ago I was not as stable as I am today. I was not the incompetent monster I was made out to be, but I will own that my situation was not ideal. Today's situation, however, is different. I have learned, through this nasty journey, how important it is to be above reproach. In court today, it would be very difficult to prove that my home environment is unhealthy or threatening to a child. Even using the "Satanist" prejudice.
Religious prejudice is not enough to remove a child, but it is often enough to cause investigation. Again, it's not right, and it's not fair. But it does happen.
So, should you hide your faith? No. Not at all. At least not in my opinion. One local dad wears a T-shirt which proudly proclaims that he is a pagan parent. He and others like him are positive public role models who help change the societal pagan stereotype. Being involved in our communities, being model citizens, being open about our paganism without being offensive about it, all act as deterrents against the kind of prejudicial attacks that I mentioned above. Being the kind of parent, friend, neighbor that other people respect, lessens any possible effects of religious prejudice.
If you are a pagan parent who is currently dealing with religious prejudice, calm and discretion is called for in all situations. Yes, it's unfair and maddening. You have the right to be angry about being the victim of such prejudice. Vent appropriately with safe people. But again, be above reproach, be above reproach, be above reproach. Cooperate with any officials. Be pleasant in your dealings with unpleasant, ignorant, frightened people. Hold your head high and ask for support from your community. Ask your community of supporters to behave in the same way when dealing with officials. Being righteously angry, while understandable, has never helped in any situation I've heard of when networking with other pagan parents dealing with these issues.
In my own life, I'm now out of the broom closet. My kids know I'm Wiccan. They would be welcome at public gatherings, if they chose to attend. They aren't invited to private gatherings because I agreed to exclude them at my ex-husband's request. My ex-husband threatens to use my paganism in court, but I think even he is aware of how little weight the charge would hold. I have worked very hard doing all those actions I stated in the above paragraph. I hold my head high. I try to be above reproach. And no matter how badly I feel like losing it, I don't. The judge would look at my stable job, home situation, relationships and say, "So what?" And the last time the ex sent a child welfare worker to my home to investigate the woman practically kicked off her shoes and sighed, "You have such a peaceful home. I feel so safe here." So much for the wicked witch!
Pagan parenting has it's own unique set of challenges in regards to the possible effects of religious prejudice. As the G.I.Joe cartoon used to sign off, "So know you know. And knowing is half the battle." Blessings on your journey as a pagan parent!
